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48
The eight pounds of Chanukah
Of all the fattening Yom Tovim, I think Chanukah is the
worst. Sure Pesach and Succos each have their place in
the fattening Yom Tov hall of fame, but only Chanukah’s
cuisine revolves around oil. You know your waist line
may expand when the only common denominator for
food is that it be laden with oil. This isn’t too great
for your skin either. Then we all stand and light our
menorahs, on display, by the window. And standing
beside your glowing menorah, framed by the window in
all your glory, is you, overweight and with a face full of
adult acne.
You can try to avoid latkes and sufgoniot, good luck. You
can very likely avoid meat, cake and possibly chocolate,
but if a donut is sitting in front of you, chances are it
won’t be sitting there for long. Unless you are eating
lettuce latkes and carb-free donuts you’re in trouble.
Every night there is a Chanukah party where in addition
to the latkes, sufgoniot and chocolate coins, sushi or
Chinese will be served. Sushi isn’t bad, but you seem
to only gravitate toward the deep fried variety which
really defeats the healthy benefits of a fish, rice and
veggie meal.
Here is an idea for a Yom Tov. Let it revolve around
walking. Didn’t we wander through the desert for
forty years. Why isn’t Pesach more about walking
and less about eating. Didn’t we defeat the yivanim
over Chanukah, why isn’t there some kickboxing
tradition while we munch on donuts. We need to start
incorporating some exercise into our religion.
Walking to shul every Shabbos is a start. However if
you live in the tri-state area, chances are there is a shul
on your block. Unfortunately on Shabbos you are not
allowed to exercise. People take this restriction very
seriously and carry it over into the rest of the week.
Perhaps they feel like it is their way to prepare for
shabbos, a little bit everyday.
Simchas Torah is an excellent example of fusing Yom
Tovim and exercising, however while the men are
dancing around burning calories, for women it is more a
spectator sport. The women sit around all day watching
and eating lollypops. I am not suggesting that women
should start doing their own hakofos, but a few jumping
jacks wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Pre-Yom Tov preparation is a whole other story. I heard
that a pitcher can lose up to fifteen pounds during a
baseball game, likewise a housewife could lose fifteen
pounds cooking, cleaning and shopping for the average
Yom Tov. Unfortunately, a housewife can gain twenty
pounds over Yom Tov itself, so you end up with a five
pound net gain.
The question is, how can we get more exercise during
Chanukah? When I was growing up we didn’t have
these fancy shmancy oil, wick, cup sets, where all you
need to do is remove the top and your ready to light. My
father would sit with a tweezers every night fiddling
around with a floating wick that kept sinking. This
was very frustrating and he probably burned a lot
of calories from the stress. Nowadays we have it
way too easy. Unless you take into consideration
the high cost of oil and toys. Chanukah induced
bankruptcy might take easy out of the equation.
You can get plenty of cardio running from toy store
to toy store looking for some obscure gift for your child
who only seems to play with the contents of your kitchen
cabinets. This is great exercise if you don’t succumb to
all the candy that they display by the checkout counter.
If your child only wants a pair of socks, and you find
them easily at your local hosiery store, then you will miss
out on tons of expended calories. However, don’t be
disappointed, you can run all over town looking for the
only grocery store to carry candy draidels that aren’t
full of stale jelly beans. I think someone accidentally
over-ordered these draidels in 1985 and they still have
a large overstock of them that they are trying to get rid
of.
Chocolate coins are also very popular this time of year.
I rather trade them in for the real thing. I don’t mean real
coins, I mean real chocolate. If I am going down I want
to enjoy it with much more decadent chocolate than
chocolate coins. Part of the guilt of eating a whole bag
of chocolate coins is knowing t h a t
for the same
Continuation at pg. 52